Often my friends blamed you for treating me the wrong way, for playing with me, for calling me by a horrible name, for being simply an “ass” as they named you. Of course in the beginning, the first months we spent time together, it was different. They were all convinced we’d end up as a couple over the next days, that you were not an interesting person but that we had feelings for each other. Well, they were right about that. In fact I talked about you all the time and when ever I imagined my future you were a part of it. And you cared about me, we stayed in contact despite the distance. It was probably the reason we stayed in contact mainly since being mad at each other was risky because there was no guarantee we’d meet by accident again. If there would not have been this distance, we would not have been forced to talk so often. Anyway we were very close but the longer our relationship lasted the more wearing it got. We got lazy, you did not invest nearly as much time in me as you used to and I became to tired of our fights to become obviously mad anymore. And as you left for some longer time I realized that it was possible to survive without you, that I could be happy and even relieved without talking to you. Until you called and tried to save what I thought was lost but I thought that you had cared and therefore I accepted you in my life again.

 But it was different from what it was before the break . I had changed. Without you in my life I had grown, I had become self-confident, I no longer was simply taking what ever you were willing to give me. And I did not even mind that we talked so little anymore. My friends warned me to not fall again for you to be aware of what you had already done. And the day I had been imagining my future with you being still part of my life you showed me that you had not changed your bahaviour at all that you were willing to hurt me over and over again, that you had to make your own ego feel better by destroying mine. I cried that day. The next you had disappeard out of my future plans. My friends were true with everything they had said. And I had to take their advice. I have grown and there is no use in staying friends with someone who makes me constantly feel bad about me. That’s not friendship at all. I knew we would not fit, that is why I never worked on upgrading our relationship but I guess I loved you. I am not sure if that was love nowadays since the feelings I had are gone. When I think of you I only see old memories. You are so far away, so unimportant, so foreign. I don’t want to share my life with you. But I cared about you, talked to all of my friends about you, answered to all of your messages, was happy when ever you woke me up late at night since at least you called then, valued all of your flaws and accepted it if you were rude by excusing it with the idea that you might have had a bad day. I don’t know if that is love. But I always wanted you to find a girl that you deserve, I always wanted you to be happy. At least that has not changed. But I have. And I needed to tell that although I cherish your tries to safe our friendship I have got to admit that I need some more time without you. Still some more. And I can not guarantee that I won’t be asking for more after. You see where my problem is?

I care. I would be touched if you died, if you had a bad accident but I don’t love you and therefore can’t take the way you treat me any longer. I know you are not a bad guy at all, that your heart how ever is good but we stayed close for years so that I know pretty well what kind of a person you are and that you and I are meant to not like each other at all. I am more surprised that it worked out for so long than that it didn’t. And it is not even your fault. You were the guy you are and I was some naive girl in love. And you hurt and damaged me while I made you feel afraid of losing me.

Perhaps after this is over, after enough time has passed we might have some talks again. But until that happens, good luck my dear.